It’s all about us…but it shouldn’t be.
What I’m talking about is the way we communicate (or don’t communicate) with others and how often we are at the centre of our own thoughts within a conversation, even if the topic of discussion has absolutely nothing to do with us.
When someone is sharing news with us, we may be thinking, ‘how will this affect me?,’ ‘how can I relate to this?,’ or perhaps ‘is this person mad at me? We may be spending more time thinking about what we will say next rather than listening to what our friend is saying to us.
When someone gives us constructive criticism or feedback, our immediate response is defensiveness and self-preservation. We must protects ourselves – the ego and the image – at all cost. Our castle has been attacked and so we turn to blame, excuses, and complaining to defend what remains.
When someone is telling us a story, our thoughts drift inwardly to an experience that was (somewhat) similar so that we have something to say back to them. For example, my conversations with other Global Development students often turned this way. People couldn’t help but want to up the ante and share what they did, what they saw, what they ate when they were in Vanuatu, China, Kenya, or Ecuador instead of simply enjoying someone else’s travel story.
Does this sound like you, too?
I learned recently by listening to an audio series called Shape Communication that if we want to reach our end goal, if we want to live harmoniously with others, if we want to improve as people, if we want to be part of an effective team, if we want to have good relationships and if we want to keep learning, we have a lot of work to do on the way we communicate with others.
It’s what we often don’t even realize that we are doing that gets in the way. Communication breaks down when we aren’t truly listening. We may think we are listening because we may hear the words the other is saying. But, if we don’t make efforts to remove our own filter, to broaden our worldview, turn off the chatter in our own heads, and stop preserving the ego, we may as well be listening to water boil.
Try going into a conversation with the mindset of learning something about that person and learning a new way of seeing the world. The only way this can happen is to stop seeing the world your way! Stop reminding yourself of the way you see the world by remaining non-judgmental and putting your convictions aside. The audio series suggests you listen, listen, listen…and then ask strategic questions. You’re not done listening just because the other person has stopped talking. From there, ask them questions and get to know them more! Show that you were listening by asking deeper questions and seeking more information.
There is a fine line, though, which is listening to and feeding peoples’ drama. If someone is complaining or telling you the same story over and over, listen with a neutral mindset, and then either help them find a solution to their problem or don’t say anything at all. Don’t feed the drama by asking questions, or giving the token sympathetic responses. Girls watch out for this! We love to get together and recite stories – especially those with drama (think coffee shop dates, phone chats, and girls’ nights).
Finally, communication is a two-way street. It is a mutual exchange, so long as both parties are heard and understood. Ask what others need from you so you are clear on what their needs are, and state what your needs are. This final step is key in creating good communication with others, and in avoiding those sagas that result when communication breaks down.
