Communication 101

It’s all about us…but it shouldn’t be.

What I’m talking about is the way we communicate (or don’t communicate) with others and how often we are at the centre of our own thoughts within a conversation, even if the topic of discussion has absolutely nothing to do with us.

When someone is sharing news with us, we may be thinking, ‘how will this affect me?,’ ‘how can I relate to this?,’ or perhaps ‘is this person mad at me? We may be spending more time thinking about what we will say next rather than listening to what our friend is saying to us.

When someone gives us constructive criticism or feedback, our immediate response is defensiveness and self-preservation. We must protects ourselves – the ego and the image – at all cost. Our castle has been attacked and so we turn to blame, excuses, and complaining to defend what remains.

When someone is telling us a story, our thoughts drift inwardly to an experience that was (somewhat) similar so that we have something to say back to them. For example, my conversations with other Global Development students often turned this way. People couldn’t help but want to up the ante and share what they did, what they saw, what they ate when they were in Vanuatu, China, Kenya, or Ecuador instead of simply enjoying someone else’s travel story.

Does this sound like you, too?

I learned recently by listening to an audio series called Shape Communication that if we want to reach our end goal, if we want to live harmoniously with others, if we want to improve as people, if we want to be part of an effective team, if we want to have good relationships and if we want to keep learning, we have a lot of work to do on the way we communicate with others.

It’s what we often don’t even realize that we are doing that gets in the way. Communication breaks down when we aren’t truly listening. We may think we are listening because we may hear the words the other is saying. But, if we don’t make efforts to remove our own filter, to broaden our worldview, turn off the chatter in our own heads, and stop preserving the ego, we may as well be listening to water boil.

Try going into a conversation with the mindset of learning something about that person and learning a new way of seeing the world. The only way this can happen is to stop seeing the world your way! Stop reminding yourself of the way you see the world by remaining non-judgmental and putting your convictions aside. The audio series suggests you listen, listen, listen…and then ask strategic questions. You’re not done listening just because the other person has stopped talking. From there, ask them questions and get to know them more! Show that you were listening by asking deeper questions and seeking more information.

There is a fine line, though, which is listening to and feeding peoples’ drama. If someone is complaining or telling you the same story over and over, listen with a neutral mindset, and then either help them find a solution to their problem or don’t say anything at all. Don’t feed the drama by asking questions, or giving the token sympathetic responses. Girls watch out for this! We love to get together and recite stories – especially those with drama (think coffee shop dates, phone chats, and girls’ nights).

Finally, communication is a two-way street. It is a mutual exchange, so long as both parties are heard and understood. Ask what others need from you so you are clear on what their needs are, and state what your needs are. This final step is key in creating good communication with others, and in avoiding those sagas that result when communication breaks down.

The Wax of our Thoughts

A short-lived Fall season has brought with it a time of introspection and deep reflection. Winter hit before Fall even had the chance to show its vibrant and colourful face, the needles of the golden larches thrown from their branchy homes by a cold wind and premature snowfall.

Reflection calls us to rest and take toll. But the passing time and the passing seasons are eager to move us onward. I want to understand and constantly want to process before moving on to the next phase. Sometimes these things must happen simultaneously, but we must walk into the future with our eyes facing forward and our hearts facing in all directions.

I’ve always been nostalgic in the Fall. The smell of leaves saying their last goodbyes brings back memories from childhood of heroic leaps into giant piles of leaves that were, in reality, only two and a half feet high. We used to collect leaves along the trail in the forest behind my parents’ house and take them home to dip them in wax. We hoped to keep them alive just a little bit longer, preserving the memory of their colours, holding onto the life within them.

The Child at Heart

Aren’t our memories and experiences the same? In times of reflection, we dip them in the wax of our thoughts and hold them dear, as though our efforts to preserve the good things will actually keep them alive. But, time passes and things change. Leaves rot and decay, returning to the earth with a humble funeral, leaving behind only the promise that colour will return once again in the Spring.

At times, my introspection leads me to places more complex than I have time to deal with. These are leaves I do not wish to preserve, nor do I wish to even pick up to inspect.  With no clear direction amidst conflicting and lonely thoughts, I am tempted to build a giant pile of leaves and jump in it, as if somehow a more childish approach will simplify life. But, my aunt recently introduced me to a poem by Jelaluddin Rumi that seems to express something that I haven’t been able to. One particular passage goes as follows:

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

It’s not always easy, but if I can greet my conflicting thoughts  and confusion at the door laughing, then perhaps they will giggle with me. Or maybe just jumping in leaves really is the solution.

© Meghan J. Ward, 2009.

Picking Up the Pieces

A very rainy afternoon in San José gives me time to write my last post from Costa Rica. The rainy season here has actually given me more time to write throughout the trip than I anticipated, actually. Anyways, I thought I would share some of the insight I have gained travelling alone the last three weeks. I think this kind of insight is worth sharing.

Today I find myself back at Hostel Pangea, which was my first stop upon arriving in Costa Rica. It feels a bit like book-ends closing a chapter in my life that I could never have written if I tried. Yesterday, I lay on the beach at Santa Teresa and listened to my ipod for pretty much the first time since I left Canada. The songs sent me on a roller coaster of memories, walking me down memory lane and the soundtrack of recent life experience. Music does that to me. I love the artistry and sound of it, but I also love the way it bring back vivid images for me. Some songs remind me of people while other songs can take me right back to a particular place and time.

I shed a few happy tears as I lay on that beach, my feet pointing towards the vast stretch of water of the Pacific Ocean. Fond memories of Kingston and my last year at Queen’s were triggered by a number of songs. I remember being in a place in my life where so much was familiar and established. Four years at the same school had created that for me – a sense of place, identity, and belonging. An open road may ahead beyond graduation, but for a time, I knew who I was (or so I thought I did!) At the same time, I was ready to move on. It makes me wonder if we are even meant to feel like we totally comfortable somewhere. Life is more interesting for me when I change my surroundings, even if it just means leaving something familiar for a short time (through travel, for instance).

When you go back to that familiar place, you re-integrate yourself back in. You bring in a bit of the old and the new, like re-trying a recipe with results hopefully better than the last batch!

Going beyond our usual comforts exposes exciting parts of ourselves that have been hidden or that lay dormant beneath years of accumulated assumptions. In the process of finding ourselves and our sense of belonging in a particular place, we adopt new qualities and shed certain parts of ourselves for the sake of fitting in. Familiarity can force us into a certain form that we assume around the people we love, at our jobs, in our community, and group of friends.

What part of you have let go of for the sake of fitting in and feeling comfortable?

The characteristics that we shed are often what set us apart from others. So, go pick up the pieces of you that you left behind! Do what you have to do to find them.

I found a gentle and quiet spirit that thirsts for solitude and peace both inside and amongst others. (Part of this is that I have rediscovered that I really am a capital ¨I¨ introvert). That part of me was always there, but now I really know that it is something I need in my life – daily. The times that I get frazzled and lose awareness of myself in the midst of situations I encounter usually arise because I have not taken the time to find stillness. I need to re-energize by going inward.

When you sense  anger arising, seek stillness. When you can’t handle the stress, seek stillness, even if it is just for 10 seconds. When you feel yourself reacting out of character, excuse yourself, and seek stillness.

By re-centering ourselves in stillness we can truly be present and authentic not just to others, but to ourselves.

© Meghan J. Ward, 2009.

Home Away From Home

I have some friends that have been in my life for almost 5 years now, and for some of them I am learning only now just how different life ‘back at home’ is for each of us. Something in the immediate binds us. Commonalities and closeness are found in our current interests and experiences. But life where we each grew up, that place that formed and shaped us for the first 18 or 19 years of our lives, is foreign and almost incomprehensible. Like a fish looking up through the water to a bird soaring above, at some point our lives met on the surface of the sea. We now splash around as if we always have, forgetting the places we come from. For some people, I may as well be from a different planet altogether. The experiences of our past threaten to prevent us from truly understanding each other if our differences cannot simply be accepted for what they are: different.

At some point, the people that shared common interests or experiences with me were part of my upbringing, part of the community that witnessed my growth and maturity from a child through adolescence and into my late teens. You could say they were part of my life when I simply accepted what was and didn’t question it. I have often heard that children simply adapt to the environment in which they are raised. While something might be different from the experience of another child, their experience is ‘normal’ to them and can go unquestioned until they enter into a deeper dialogue with other children, usually upon entering the school system. I remember when church life and school life is what bonded me to others. That was my life. That is where I spent my time, met my friends, and interacted with them.

But in the air around us are different gusts that can take us in a different direction if we allow them to carry us beyond the experience we know. We need to only spread our wings and let ourselves get carried away. Like it or not, this involves also letting go of the path that we know, but only for awhile. We need not fear to lose that part of our lives. Our upbringing is deeply ingrained in us and cannot be separated from us. Eventually we learn how to fly on more than one stream of air at a time.

Some people return to their roots. Some never leave home to begin with. Some return to home only slightly. Some feel that they find a place that they come from even though they weren’t born there, as if ‘home’ was something to be found later on in life.  Some find a home that in no way replaces the one where they were raised but rather acts like  a summer home for the soul – that place where you really feel at peace with life and everything you have discovered and adopted.

My home away from home, in the mountains, is where I now share most in common with the people in my life, but the homes we each left behind couldn’t be more different. But this shouldn’t separate us. It is a wealth of knowledge and experiences to be explored. It is an opportunity to walk in someone else’s shoes, but in retrospect. It is a portal through which we can access the world of another person, learn from their mistakes, learn to celebrate their joys, and be open to what was ‘normal’ to them.

© Meghan J. Ward, 2009.